From the series...What Can One Woman Do?
You discover that your husband or son, father or brother is addicted to pornography. What do you do? This is the first of three articles that explore the issue of pornography from the perspective of two committed Christian women.
When a man admits to an alcohol addiction and asks for help, the church rallies around him, supporting and encouraging him and his family as he recovers. When a man admits to an addiction to pornography and asks for help, he and his family are either shunned or have their pleas for help ignored or diminished. Pornography seems to be treated as an unspeakable sin. Why would anyone take the risk of asking for help? Why would a Christian woman take the risk of confronting her man in the first place knowing what people will think?
Lisa
When I discovered my husband’s eight-year addiction to pornography, as a Christian wife of nine years, I didn’t know what to do. It was three months before I confronted my husband.
The cycle of shame and guilt created by his addiction wreaked havoc. He was angry all the time, lashing out at me and our children. He ignored us for the computer, went weeks without touching me, was up late alone every night, and broke promise after promise that things would change. Pornography was destroying our marriage.
Christian friends were emphatic that pornography was adultery and that his addiction wasn’t my fault. Some encouraged me to leave him. My un-churched family couldn’t understand what the big deal was. “There isn’t a guy on the planet that doesn’t look at pornography,” they said. “Get over it already.”
I shared our problems with our church elders since my husband was serving in more than one ministry. When they asked if he was still involved with porn, my husband said no. No further official action was taken.
I am told this is a delicate matter, that there are few resources available, and that disclosures aren’t well received. I’m told our progress was monitored confidentially. All that may be so, but I felt hung out and discredited.
“Be very careful who you tell about this,” I’m told when I try to share my experience. People speak in hushed voices and glance over their shoulders during the conversation. This scourge is rampant because no one talks about it. I know there are other women married to this addiction.
Emily
I’d known the man I was dating for a month, when he confessed he was addicted to pornography. He didn’t want to lose me and asked me to give him a chance. I had to decide: Did I stay with him while he overcame his addiction or did I walk away while I still could? I was afraid of the reactions of my loved ones, and I didn’t know where to turn for advice. In the Christian community where I’d been raised, pornography was the unspeakable sin. No one preached about it. No one talked about it – after all, men addicted to pornography were perverts.
My boyfriend had repeatedly encountered this attitude in his search for help. Pastors, residential advisors at his Christian university and friends had turned him away. He couldn’t beat this addiction on his own, but neither could he find the assistance he needed to break free.
I knew I was putting myself in a vulnerable position, but I told him I would stay as long as I saw evidence of his commitment and improvement. I’d help if I could. In the process, I found myself without a support system when I needed it most. In the beginning, he failed more than he succeeded, and I blamed myself (even though he told me not to). I would think: If we hadn’t had that fight... If I was prettier... If I had prayed harder.... His guilt and shame came out as alternating bouts of anger and depression.
As I reached the end of my ability to cope alone, I remembered a conversation with Lisa from a year before about her husband’s addiction to pornography. She gave me the hope I needed to believe that he could beat his addiction and she gave me someone to turn to when I had a question. If not for her bravery, I might have left him; instead, he’s now my fiancÈ.
In Ecclesiastes we’re told, “Two are better than one...If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! ... Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves” (4:9-12, NIV). If your man has a problem with pornography, he needs you. Despite the pain and shame involved, if we as wives, fiancÈes, and girlfriends continue to struggle and suffer in silence, pornography will persist – destroying lives and marriages within the church.
Only when we dare to break the silence can we help and be helped.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Monitor computer use
Computers track all Internet activity over their lifetimes. Internet browsers store history over days or weeks. Handheld devices with Internet access should be monitored: Blackberry, iPod, DSi, PSP, etc. Be alert if the history is often empty.
Browser History:
- Click the ‘History’ button on your Internet screen. Select ‘Show All’.
Computer History:
- Windows XP: Open Start menu. Click Search. Select ‘all files and folders’. Type in ‘Internet’.
- Vista: Open Start menu. In search box type ‘internet’. Select ‘search everywhere’.
Look for the warning signs:
- Lack of interest in sexual intimacy
- Aggressive or demanding during sexual intimacy
- Isolates himself from important relationships
- Emotional outbursts
- Defensive about time spent on the computer
- Sexual e-mail spam and pop-ups
Reach out like Emily and Lisa are doing.
Pray.
by Emily Taylor and Lisa Hall-Wilson
